1/30/2025 My thoughts on Kay
I’ll admit, I’ve been thinking about Kay for a while now, she’s always been sweet around me and very down to earth. I don’t know how much I can say that since she’ always has herself sky high, sometimes I wish I could follow her up there if I knew how to keep up with her. Whenever I see her she’s so… unpredictable, always finding new ways to surprise me whenever she comes by, whether it’s through my vents or my window, she’s so curious about everything, each time I get a bit of info getting to know more about her forest life and dreams, it makes me feel like I’m talking to someone with ambition.
I don’t think I would tell her this, but the way she always sweeps me up on my feet to take me on an adventure makes me feel warm inside, she feels like a light, a lantern if you will, and her flame is beaming to me in the darkness I know too well. I feel like I want to follow that light out from the dark, and she brings me to bask in the sun with her, I’ve been… feeling a little lonelier whenever I see her tend to go, part of me wants to say “Wait a minute, could you stay longer? I really want you to stay just a bit longer.” Maybe I’m just a coward, but there’s something so mystical about her that makes me want to float around her orbit.
Ok I lied, I’ve been thinking even more than that recently. What do I make of this, she’s one of the first people I’ve met who actually seems interested in me, I know I could almost do that with anyone if I were to even dare boast about Rosie Star’s fame, but she didn’t see me like that. She likes me where I am, who I am, and doesn’t mind any of my past history, though, I wish I could be more genuine with her abour it. Maybe that’s why when I try to ask her about where she came from, she seems so walled off… I’m stupid for being a hypocrite. I wonder if it has to do with the scars on her arms, or even some under her neck. Sometimes I wonder if she noticed mine, would she even understand? Sometimes I’d be reluctant, but the fact she can show them off without feeling ashamed makes me wonder if I could’ve done the same. Both of us wouldn’t have to suffer in silence, maybe we could even treat each other’s wounds…
I don’t know why I’m still writing this, I just can’t stop thinking about Kay, I just put this book down a few hours ago, but it’s like 3am now. Even when she’s not here I feel like I’m levitating, part of me wants to show her more things I like, the songs I listen to, the clothes I keep hidden away, maybe even some things I’ve grown embarrassed to share before. It feels like if there was at least one person that I could share this world I have to, I feel like it could be her. But at the same time, I don’t know what to expect with her, that’s what makes me so anxious, I’m sometimes scared to ask if I could come swing by her dorm, if I could stay a night at her place, if I could hold her hand, if I could continue a hug just a bit longer. It makes my hands feel shaky just thinking about her, the way her voice squeaks when she talks about things we’re into, the way she moves swiftly like a floating angel, the way she stares into my soul.. I, I need to put this book down.
This is stupid, I’m stupid, what am I telling myself? Do I like her? Do I have feelings for her?? Because last I checked I’ve had this feeling so many times before, and it’s been curb stomped on the streets. But would she even do that to me? I haven’t had any dreams of her ever coming into my dorm and taking me out in my sleep, it’s actually been the opposite, I’ve had dreams where I’ve felt protected under her. All of those bad thoughts just seem to melt away… maybe just this once my mind and heart are feeling sound?
That’s just it though, I think she’s already taken, I mean- I haven’t heard it from her, or really checked in with her about that. Outside of RGB, I sometimes hear about that Artemis chick from her time to time, I don’t really know what she sees in her, but all I know is she tends to make her happy, I want to say I can be happy too, but I don’t know her side of the coin, that connection behind those green evenly colored eyes.. It almost makes me upset. Maybe that’s fair, I hardly talk about anyone I’m in the know with either, it’s just different when most of them have already left you. I just hope she doesn’t leave me under that red feathered wing…
Maybe if I was just a little braver, I could crawl out of myself and give her something of me. Maybe then I could get her out of my head, but each time I begin to think of her face and that toothy smile, my legs begin to shake before my vibrations can catch up. Theres something I want more from her, am I crazy? Am I selfish?? I want her to come to my dorm, I want her to sit next to me, I want to feel her embrace against my skin, I want to feel the breath from her face hit mine, I want to take in the syrupy smell she has like a new morning day, I want to caress her face, stare deep into her gem and tell her she’s beautiful… I’d make a space, a little space for us to crawl in and hide away from the world, it would be our special thing, we could listen to soothing music under the same blanket, I’d hold onto her and she’d hold onto me, that feeling that says “I got you” and you wouldn’t dare think it was a lie. I’d like her to brush her hands through my hair, hold me close, look me in the eyes, maybe even say…
I think I went a bit too far there, fuck, I’m a mess.
You’re fucking stupid Rosie, you’re a stupid brainless whore. You’re fantasizing doing this with a friend that cares about you for once, why are you planning on ruining this for yourself? Would she even like you back? What if she’s already taken? Even if it wouldn’t work out in this life, would any version of her even like you? What if you tell her the truth and she abandons you? Do you want another person you care about to walk out that dorm door and never look back? You know you can’t handle that, yet you want to instigate it? If you hold on too much to that flame, you’ll end up being burned, you know that feeling inside and out, if it’s too good to be true then it probably is. I feel filthy for even thinking of her skin, she would look at me in filth if she saw me, but what hasn’t the world seen? I don’t care what she has to hide, I just want her close to me, we wouldn’t even need to explore our bodies, at least I don’t think we’d have to, would I even be ready for her rough hands to… No, shut up, listen to yourself, this is why you’re a whore, you don’t know what your heart wants? Then stay the fuck away and rot in the pit you came from, maybe she’s out of your league… but then why would she take interest in me? She’s guided my hands where I wouldnt’ve dared ask myself, she would take my hand and pull me out of that pit, but does that make me weak to her? Does she see me as weak? Would I even be simple enough for her? I want to know what she thinks, I want to know if she cares, if I’m somehow. .. . .
My dumbass smudged the ink on the page with tears, fuck, I don’t know. I think I like Kay, maybe a little, maybe a lot, what is there not to like about her? To me, she’s my light, and I don’t know if she’ll ever feel the same way I feel for her, but maybe it’s good that I only know what I’m seeing for now, maybe someday it’ll make sense to me…